Mothering Your Inner Child
by Alyssa Zander
photo by Nick Francher
When it comes to doing inner child healing, our presence and coming back to it over and over again is key. We have to remember that we are building and cultivating a loving and safe relationship with these parts of us, and they may need time and devotion before they start trusting you. Try not to take is personally, and stay compassionate and curious. Just like shadow work, this is not a one and done, this is an ongoing relationship that we are nurturing and growing over time.
Step 1 Shadow Work
Many people lack knowing where to start when it comes to inner child healing for the simple reason that they don’t do the shadow work first.
Starting with shadow work supports you in accessing and getting to the root, or core wound that is activated or triggered.
How you do shadow work is important too, because it will help you know what to focus on and is an access point for tending to you inner child.
Think of it like a recipe: shadow work is the ingredients, while the inner child healing is putting it all together and making something beautiful out of it.
And ultimately, if you don’t get to the root right away that’s ok. It’s a process and only you and your body know your capacity, so trust and lean into wherever you are at. It’s important to withhold judgement, which is why curiosity and compassion is so important in this work.
When we are triggered or activated that is the perfect time to do this work. The questions you want to ask to get to the root is:
“If I (action)… then, (feared or assumed outcome)”
For example:
“If I clean the house even though I’m tired and don’t want to, then he will appreciate me and won’t leave”
How do I feel when I do that?
Alone and unappreciated
So if I feel alone and unappreciated then I am perpetuating feeling alone through my own actions, anyways
So the fear is being alone, and this is what we’ll work with in the following steps.
If I can’t seem to get to the root:
If there is a block and I can't seem to get to the fear underneath my trigger I’ll ask myself:
“What is this part of me afraid I will find?”
“What is this part of me protecting me from?”
Get more curious, rather than defeated.
To make this step go as smoothly as possible, make sure you uncover the root by using the following tips:
Write it out. Using pen and paper helps our minds get out of the way and that is VERY important for this part of the process.
After every response ask more questions: “And if X happen, then… (what am I afraid will happen?)”
Try to go a few layers deep with the questions, if possible, to get to the root. Again, you know your capacity.
Having a hard time navigating the shadow work piece? You’re not alone. Our shadows are hidden for a reason— they don’t want to be seen. That’s why writing can be supportive, but this is also why I created Codependency Alchemy: The Membership. I love helping you 1:1 in navigating the shadow work prompts to help you get to the root.
Why is midlife is the perfect time to do inner child & shadow work?
Step 2 Somatics: Where does the fear live in your body?
The next critical step to meeting your inner child is doing somatics. This step is important because it helps you tap into your bodies story instead of fixating on your mind, and supports you in accessing where your body is holding onto this pattern or fear.
Before I realized how important this step was, I made some mistakes that stopped me from really making huge shifts in my healing journey.
I would usually go immediately into wanting to make the feeling “go away”. I wanted it to stop and seize to exist, which was really me just pushing this part of me away even more— which made things harder in my life, and it showed!
I also had this tendency to believe that once I did an inner child healing that it would mean that part of me was “healed” and I would never have to tend to the part of me that feared being alone again, for example. I seriously could not be more wrong! Initially I had a lot of judgment towards myself and I would say things like “I didn’t do it good enough” or “I did it wrong” and then I usually felt like shit and helpless.
Once I really shifted my perspective on the whole freaking point of inner child healing, I was able to actually see how this work is an on-going gift that we continue to give to ourselves, and that the relationship we have with these different parts of us evolve and change over time.
By bringing awareness to where fear resides, we gain insights into our emotional landscape, facilitating healing and integration.
Step 3: What does it look and feel like?
The next step is to bring your awareness to as many descriptors as possible. Take a few breaths to really tune into the details of where the fear lives in your body and what it feels like.
Understanding the physical manifestation of our fears within our body is like the access point for us to reach our inner child. By attuning to our bodies sensations, we gain invaluable insights into the underlying emotional landscape of our inner child.
To get started, you can ask yourself these questions:
Does it have a color?
What is the shape, or size?
Is there a texture?
Is it heavy, or light? Is it soft, or hard?
Through simple questions about color, shape, size, texture, weight, and consistency, we can explore the nuanced sensations associated with the fear, empowering ourselves to navigate and process our emotions more effectively.
Find the rest of the 10 steps to reparenting yourself on Alyssa’s Substack.
May 2024
Table of Contents
