We need to have a talk about U.S. Family Court Reform
Interview by Jennifer Cooper
Photo by J W for Unsplash
“I started asking why this was so hard when it was clear what happened and who was responsible. I hated what I learned.”
It’s not always easy to leave a relationship. There’s logistical challenges, financial burdens, and grief, even when the split is amicable. But when there are children involved, and family court enters the picture, there are added layers of trauma.
This is not an easy conversation. However, since 1 in 4 women experience intimate partner violence and according to Statisa, “perpetrators of child abuse are more likely to be parents of the child, rather than a non-parent,” it’s a conversation we need to have. If not for ourselves, then for our friends and family so we can better support them.
I recently spoke with writer and activist, Eunice Brownlee to learn more about the U.S. Family Court system, amplifying the voices of those trying to change it, and what a future free from systemic abuse could look like.
CW: Child abuse
You’ve been a passionate advocate for family court reform. Can you tell me a little more about that?
I solo-parented from the time my daughter was born until the day she turned five. On the eve of her 5th birthday, her father had a surprising change of heart and suddenly went from, “I want nothing to do with the two of you” to “I’m going all in.” It was an adjustment to say the least.
Everything seemed simple enough. It felt like we could co-parent okay together, although in retrospect, there were red flags. After some time, I filed things officially with the court and we waited for a hearing date.
Three months after I filed, I received a phone call that would completely change the trajectory of my life. My daughter’s principal told me that my child had arrived at school with bruises on her neck and face after spending the night at her father’s house. She said it had to be reported to the authorities to be investigated.
I was devastated and experienced the full spectrum of shock and disbelief that anyone would hurt my child, much less her father.
That afternoon, while I was answering questions from the police and watching them document my daughter’s injuries, her father behaved like it was no big deal that the school barred him from picking her up that afternoon.
Naively, I fully expected that this would be dealt with swiftly and fairly. I hoped we could all get into a place of healing and rebuilding, whatever that looked like for our two-household family.
Things got infinitely more complicated now that we had two cases concurrently moving through the system: a family court case and a criminal case for the child abuse charges.
I remember the DA saying to me, “I know this seems open and shut, but juries are weird and you don’t want to take a risk of going to trial.” I left the courthouse feeling utterly defeated. And pissed. Seriously pissed. I started asking why this was so hard when it was clear what happened and who was responsible. I hated what I learned.
That must have been incredibly traumatic. You say you hated what you learned. Tell me about that. What do you see that needs to change within that system?
That list is long. The family court industry is extremely lucrative. Most attorneys’ retainers start at $5k. Everything costs money, including filing paperwork and getting copies of your records.
In fact, I never ordered a copy of my deposition because I didn’t have the $300 it would cost. Mandatory therapy can set someone back a solid five figures within a year (because the specialists charge a heck of a lot more and don’t take insurance). And don’t even get me started on the racket that is legalized child trafficking, aka the “parental alienation” industry.
Second, the system seems to feel a complete lack of responsibility for educating those in it. No one tells you anything unless you ask, and even then, there’s a lot of “this is not legal advice” disclaimer-laden non-help.
I’m a writer and so I know how to ask questions. And yet, before I was forced to hire an attorney, learning about the process and what certain stuff meant became a full-time job. It was overwhelming. I inevitably earned a law degree from the University of Google.
And all of this takes an incredible amount of time. I had to file an order of protection two weeks after the incident. Then I had to wait in line to file; wait for the judge to review my request; wait for the clerk to give me a hearing time; wait in a bullpen of people who wanted to see the judge, not knowing if I was at the top or bottom of the stack.
I missed almost a whole week of work every 2-3 weeks. Oh, and because you now have to document literally everything, lest you misremember a small detail, the rest of your time is spent documenting everything that happens as it happens because now your whole life is evidence.
It has only been through my advocacy work that I have learned the proper labels to put on this, but what I endured was legal and financial abuse.
This abuse is an intentional strategy and all too common in “high conflict” family court situations—rather than working toward compromise, the goal is to exhaust you by any means necessary so that you give up, and they win by default. That is why we had over five months of continuations before getting to a plea in the criminal case and why our civil case dragged on for nearly three years. And here’s the fucked up thing that no one tells you: if you choose the path of resignation, you lose all the power, both now and in the future. Sometimes you have no choice.
I put “high conflict” in quotes because, in these situations, the judicial system sees the parties as equal participants in this game. The reality is one person is bringing all of the conflict in an effort to sow chaos and dominate for the sake of winning. It’s not about the kids. It’s not about the other parent. It’s a game of win or lose; they will do what it takes to win at all costs.
It is crucial that judges (and attorneys and anyone else dealing with the court system) know that, generally speaking, the cases that end up in the courtroom are not two parents genuinely looking for compromise in the best interest of their kids. Those cases are usually resolved amicably in mediation. The lack of awareness around this fact alone is literally costing kids their lives.
I was assigned an investigator who seemed to have a fair amount of experience in dealing with the personality dynamics at play, and she handled everything beautifully. A friend of mine dealing with a similar situation at the same time was assigned Mark Kilmer, who was recently suspended after a ProPublica report exposed his inability to fairly evaluate the risk to the kids he was supposed to protect. My friend and I had the same judge and very different outcomes, and to this day, it makes me sick to think about it. We cannot be playing Russian Roulette with our kids’ well-being.
Lastly, the inherent bias against women is extremely prevalent in the family court system (thanks, Patriarchy). In the majority of family court cases where a parent is seeking sole custody, allegations of abuse are present. Honestly, who would ever want to take a child away from a parent they feel safe with? The answer: The family court system. Children are regularly taken away from protective parents, even where claims of abuse have been substantiated, because of the design of our justice system and the bias against women.
“The system does not work at all the way we learned about in high school government class. And, it was designed that way.”
What has your advocacy taught you?
That this process is exhausting, especially if you do not have a strong and supportive network and therapy is a lifesaver.
Most people mean well, but many of their comments are hurtful. You’re already in a vulnerable place in wondering who you can trust, and you can very quickly get further isolated when you realize that your people don’t get it.
I highly recommend finding a support group or someone you know who has been through this. They will be where you will feel grounded when everything is making you feel like you’re going crazy. Fair warning, because of this community, you will be drawn to advocacy work so that this doesn’t happen to anyone you know. However, statistically speaking, 10% of family court cases end up in front of a judge, as opposed to being resolved in mediation. It’s likely that someone in your immediate friend group is navigating the choppy waters of the family court system..
It’s important to take the time to take care of yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint, so if you’re not prioritizing rest, eating well, and surrounding yourself with people who energize you, you will burn out really fast. Take a spa day. Go on a solo hike. Have lunch with friends. Buy the coziest bedding you can afford and cocoon on a Saturday morning for a little longer than usual. Assuming, of course, your kids will let you sleep in.
So much of the decision-making in the family court system is based on decades-old junk “science” that has been repeatedly debunked. Yet, family court professionals continue to be trained with this information despite knowing it’s far outdated and better research exists. This is what they use to make their decisions.
This is 100% a game of heads they win, tails I lose. It’s living in a constant double-bind of doing everything to the letter of an order while the other party does whatever the hell they want without recourse. And living with the anxiety of knowing that the moment you step out of line, you could lose everything is where most people get worn out.
It’s not all about how exhausting the actual work is, it’s the mental load that never shuts off that depletes you. Ask anyone who has been through this about a court order they could not enforce, and your head will spin. Understanding that there are no rules in the game you’re playing (except when there are) is the first step in figuring out how to play the game.
The system does not work at all the way we learned about in high school government class. And, it was designed that way.
I know that you’ve also been a huge supporter of amplifying women’s voices and stories. Why?
As I mentioned, this is a lonely, lonely road. At the recommendation of my daughter’s therapist, I read Chanel Miller’s Know My Name at the end of 2019/early 2020 when we were in the thick of the fallout from the previous three years. Chanel Miller is the Jane Doe from the Stanford rape case in California.
Although our reasons for being in a courtroom were very different, our experiences were similar. Paired with the power of the #MeToo movement, I realized that there is strength and power in being able to share our stories, but that it might not always be easy.
About the same time I finished the book, I discovered WomanSpeak, a public speaking practice geared towards not just women but designed in such a way that resonates with feminine energy. I joined to learn how to tell my story, which led me to become a licensed Circle Leader and now Coach, teaching their methodology.
I love this work so much. It is soul-filling and joyful, even when the stories are hard. There is nothing like witnessing a woman sharing her raw and realness with me.
I’ve learned through my writing and speaking practice that two things happen when we tell our stories: 1. We heal. Being able to say what we lived through, even if no one ever sees or hears it, gives us some power back. Brené Brown said, “When we own our stories, they no longer have the power to own us.” Turns out, Godmother Brené is absofuckingloutely right, as always. And 2. We build community. While I never in a million years would have imagined that I would have a group of friends who all have the “survived family court with safe kids” badge, there is a special knowing of being seen by others in a way that no one else can ever understand. Because the stories are so fucked up, they feel like fiction.
Plus, our entire society has been listening to men's perspectives since the dawn of time (literally). It’s about time we grabbed the mic and let our voices be heard, so anything I can do to facilitate that, I’m here for it.
While none of us have a crystal ball, I think we all have a vision for the future. Or at least, what we’d love to see happen. Maybe that’s the optimist in me? But, I think you’re an optimist too; that’s why you’re passionate about reform and advocacy. So, what’s your vision for how the future could look?
I’m totally an optimist. Maybe even more on the end of an idealist? So, I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and what I know to be true is that reforms that we can make in the family court system will benefit the other branches of the court system.
It starts with believing and centering the victim throughout the entire process. The thing that gets completely lost in this process is that there’s a person—a child—at the center of this who is counting on the grownups to advocate for and protect them because they cannot do it themselves.
During the criminal court process, I constantly received the message that my presence wasn’t necessary. This was now a matter between “The People” and “The Defendant.” Meanwhile, on the family court side, I was the “hysterical” and “overprotective” Mother who was seeking to protect The Child.
The sanitization (while still allowing descriptive labels to be attached to certain parties) of everyone involved leads to further bias.
All professionals involved in the family court system—judges, investigators, guardians at litem (aka GAL, the child’s attorney), attorneys, etc. should be required to undergo training on coercive control, trauma, and abuse before they are allowed to touch a family case. They should also be subject to regular continuing education to be current on the most recent research and best practices. This last piece is addressed in Kayden’s Law, which is currently being passed in states across the nation.
Lastly, I believe family court judges should be held responsible for the outcomes of their decisions. I have read far too many cases where there was ample evidence that a child was in danger but, much like the judge we originally had in our case, ruled from a firmly held belief that all parents should have access to their children, no matter what, and the child was murdered by an abusive parent. This was my nightmare every night when we entered talks of reunification. If the judges know they are on the hook for whatever they decide, perhaps they will take more care in coming to that decision.