Peace of Mind
Photography by Dave Cooper
Interview by Jennifer Cooper
“One of the biggest challenges for human beings is actually attending to and understanding ourselves. Doing this is one of the most unselfish acts we ever take.”
It’s a cold January day and I’m on my way to visit Heidi Waltos, MSN, CNS. She’s been a practicing psychotherapist for more than 40 years, helping people deal with a variety of issues. You may remember her from our story When Home Hurts. I reached back out to her because I have more questions about how we can find peace and safety within ourselves; a home within us.
The roads to her home are winding and the light shines a certain way through the trees. Sometimes the sun is there and sometimes it’s not. All of it is a metaphor, I think, before I snap back to focus. Just ahead there’s a left turn to make.
I pull into the driveway and see Heidi through the door. Next to her is a dog wagging its tail so hard that I can’t believe it doesn’t hit its own head with the thing. It’s a well-loved pup and obviously excited to meet new friends.
I step in, say hello and notice the moment Heidi holds herself back from a hug. Her arms start out and then, signaling the strange time we’re in, she pulls them back. Her smile is wide, her energy is warm, and I can tell she is undeniably at home, comfortable in her own skin.
The house is filled with living things—her Christmas tree is still up, filling the room with oxygen and the scent of pine—and objects that celebrate life. A bust of her son sits in a corner; another of her daughter rests in the living room. Heidi sculpted both. I think about the care and focus of her hands shaping the clay. It’s no wonder I was referred to her by one of her clients who said, “I love Heidi. She is amazing.”
I stand a ways away and keep my mask on because again, these are strange times, and pepper her with questions, which I’m sure she is used to.
This interview is part of our series on the meditations, insights, and the shifting nature of home—what we grew up thinking home meant, what we think it is now, and how we find it in ourselves.
Heidi, you gave so much good information in Marilyn’s story of how she overcame the challenging relationship she had with her parents that I wanted to invite you back to chat some more! I think you have some insights that we all need to know. The first is this idea of the hero’s journey. Can you tell me more about that?
When one person heals, there’s a chance they can be a role model. So healing ourselves is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and others. To do that, though, you have to go on something of a hero’s journey. You have to be willing to enter darker places, confront and assimilate them, and then use what you’ve learned to move forward.
There’s an unconscious belief that if you replay the same moment over and over again you can fix it. And it’s easy to do because our brain memorizes trauma in order to ostensibly protect us from future harm. Unfortunately, we can also get stuck there. But as we step aside as an observer and look at what’s happening, we enter a different part of the brain where we can have a different experience.
Okay, I think I get it. We have to think differently?
Yes. You have to remember that you are not your thoughts. Actually, we don’t have to do anything, we get to think differently if we consciously choose this.
I’m not my thoughts?
Right. This is a hard one for many people. As soon as we have a thought we think that’s us….it isn’t; it is simply a thought. Say a familiar thought arises: “I’m not good enough.”
Yes, I’ve had that thought many times.
So you can choose to look at that thought and ask, is this a helpful thought? If it isn’t a helpful thought, then you are allowed to discard it.
“Bibliotherapy can be as effective as psychotherapy, if the “right” material is curated. ”
I can just throw that thought away? Like, it’s not really true. Um, easier said than done. What’s the best way to toss it out?
We have over 60,000 thoughts a day, by some estimates. Just imagine if we chose to believe and act on them all. That’d be a huge mess. We don’t realize it but we are unconsciously selecting thoughts based on what “feels” familiar to us. We have developed a habitualized way of thinking.
Our brain distorts, deletes, and generalizes based on what feels most familiar to us. But because we recognize a familiar dialogue does not make it true. It is up to us to question this.
And in this process, having a person who has our best interests at heart can make a substantial difference. This is why research shows us that having a mentor is one of the most powerful things in our lives. It just takes one person to give you an opportunity to practice something new.
I remember Lady Gaga saying something like that. Something about it only takes one person to believe in you. But what if I’m alone or don’t have the funds to pay someone for therapy?
There are so many free resources out there. I like Andrew Huberman, Brené Brown, Martha Beck, Sadhguru, Joe Dispenza, etc. But since we are all unique individuals, find someone who speaks to you and let yourself listen to something by them for 15–20 minutes every day. Because if you had years of one message by going to the school of dysfunction, going into a new classroom once isn’t going to cut it.
Bibliotherapy can be as effective as psychotherapy, if the “right” material is curated. Meaning, material that lifts you up and out of your previously memorized unhelpful patterns.
“We have over 60,000 thoughts a day, by some estimates. Just imagine if we chose to believe and act on them all. That’d be a huge mess.”
So, get some proper separation between ourselves and the thoughts we have, and a mentor, even if it’s an author. Check. Anything else that helps?
Awareness and taking conscious responsibility for your personal internal terrain are the most important starting places. If you can become aware, then you can choose what to do with those thoughts.
Notice when you step into awareness that you are the one watching, not the one caught in the thought. You become the observer. That’s a very safe and powerful position.
If a thought comes up, something you would not say to a child you love, you can say, “That thought is not me; that’s what I must have learned somewhere.” When you do that, you realize that you can—and maybe even you have the responsibility to—put yourself into a new classroom.
You have every right to look at the patterns from the past, understand them, and then decide not to continue to play them out again if it does not move you in the direction you want to go. It may take some practice to sort through the various emerging thoughts before you come upon one that feels better to you.
Abuse. Let’s talk about that. There’s something you mentioned in Marilyn’s story about a form of abuse that I hadn’t considered before.
Yes, not being seen for who you are.
That blew my mind.
It’s the number one form of abuse and it wrongly teaches you that you don’t matter in life. So anything we can do to help people be seen is healing.
One of the biggest challenges for human beings is actually attending to and understanding ourselves. Doing this is one of the most unselfish acts we ever take.
If we do the work of “getting” ourselves and we allow ourselves to show up in the world, we will not unconsciously give these tasks to someone else. Relationships become easier and people who hang with us will notice the ease. It is not unlike the rest of the animal kingdom where “discomfort” is registered by other pack members and where “ease within” helps everyone settle down in safety.
In fact, getting comfortable with who we are, and not apologizing for our existence, is imperative for a life well lived.
“The cost of being invisible in this world removes us from the beautiful mess that life is”
Let me share this story. There was a caretaker who tended to others in their last months of life. Her name is Bronnie Ware. She noticed the same pattern of regrets bubbling up. The first one was, “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” The second was, “I let my job become my identity and worked too much.” Number three was, “I wish I’d had the courage to express my genuine feelings.” Number four was, “I didn’t spend enough time with family and friends.” And number five was, “I didn’t let myself be happier.” (source: Bronnie Ware, 2011, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying)
Oof. All of those are hitting a bit close to home, but I can see from that first one how it’s intertwined with not being seen for who you are. It’s like that idea of not being seen, either by parents or others in our early lives, has hurt a bunch of people.
Yes, the cost of being invisible in this world removes us from the beautiful mess that life is. And the thing is, we don’t have to look externally for validation. We have to look internally. It is an inside-out job and ours alone to ultimately decide on.
After being a therapist for 40 years, I feel like you have a unique perspective on the human experience. What do you want to see for us?
I would love for all of us to begin to talk about running this machine of ours—our brains—so we can realize how much we all matter in life. I have a whiteboard in my office, and one of the things I never erase from it is: “The mind is most useful when you are the conscious driver of it. If left to drive itself, it is apt to drive you crazy.”
Additional editing was provided by Kathy Cornwell.
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