When Home Heals
Photography by Marie Maroun
Interview by Jennifer Cooper
“I feel like I’ve had this awakening in the past seven to eight years. Now I understand that my body was repressing trauma.”
Kathleen’s home is warm, open, and unfussy, much like her. Walk in and you’ll notice a dozen or so inexpensive area rugs covering the floor. She says she knows it probably looks like a warehouse owned and operated by Weird Al, but the rugs are there for her 15-year-old dog who needs the extra traction. The poor pup has arthritic hips and legs.
It’s also a home filled with happy memories.
There’s a place on her deck where she and her husband, Mark, said, “I do.” There’s the birch clump tree that they planted together and named “Donald Clump,” agreeing that it could do a better job running the country. There’s the sound of ABBA Gold playing that reminds her of friends and family visits filled with nights spent laughing and dancing.
The home radiates a joy that could penetrate even the saddest soul. It’s also a far different place than the house where Kathleen started out.
After therapy, being in the presence of healthy relationships and healthy love, and taking some sage advice from RuPaul, Kathleen wants to share her story so those with similar experiences know they aren’t alone. She also believes that not talking about it only makes the shame worse.
This interview is part of our series on the meditations, insights, and the shifting nature of home—what we grew up thinking home meant, what we think it is now, and how we find it in ourselves.
Please note: Kathleen asked that I change her name so she could feel safer to tell her story.
I feel like I’ve had this awakening in the past seven to eight years. Now I understand that my body was repressing trauma. Anyone who’s been in an abusive relationship or lived with a narcissist experiences so much gaslighting. It’s always that you are the problem and that the abuse is “for your own good.”
I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive home with a Southern Baptist, Bible-thumping mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and a loving but submissive father who couldn't stand up to her.
I was homeschooled for part of my upbringing. It was a way of sheltering me. A lot of my weird upbringing was around Christianity and church.
My parents weaponized mental health and put me in therapy when I was younger. It escalated to my mother trying to institutionalize me. She kept wanting the experts to validate her, but they wouldn’t. They didn’t see in me the monster she did, and that made her really angry.
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When Home Hurts
At 6, Marilyn knew something wasn't right with her family. By age 10, she was planning her future escape. We all know the saying home is where the heart is, but what does it mean when that heart is hurting? A few resources for finding home after trauma. [con’t…]
The majority of abuse was emotional, but at times it escalated to physical. I remember an altercation where my mother pushed me down the stairs. That’s when I really knew what I’d been experiencing wasn’t right.
I was in high school and thought, I’m too old to be disciplined.
At some point I started to fight back. I called her a bitch and that felt so good.
As horrible as it was, I couldn’t tell anyone about the abuse. I was terrified of Child Protection Services and being separated from my sister. So instead I just counted down the days until I’d graduate from high school, go off to college, and never look back.
The thing is, my mother doesn’t look like a textbook abuser. She’s religious, her Facebook posts are nothing but love—but it’s totally different than how she’s living. She could, at times, be loving and have empathy. I’ve learned that no one fits perfectly in a capital G or capital B good or bad category.
But I also know that my mother chose her religion over me. She close-fist punched me and called me a baby killer when she found out I had an abortion. I’m not as important to her as her faith, even though she told me all the time growing up that all she ever wanted was to be a mother.
“I’ve learned that no one fits perfectly in a capital G or capital B good or bad category. ”
It wasn’t until my 20s that I could have deeper bonds with people. It was my friends who actually showed me how bad what I’d experienced really was. It’s been tough to hear in later years, but finally being able to see it also pushed me to a place of emotional growth that I didn’t know I had.
For so long I fought so hard to have a relationship with my mom. I tried so many times to set boundaries with her but she wouldn’t even be able to agree to that. That’s when I knew it was time to let go.
She isn’t able to see the beautiful person I’ve become. I’ve been able to channel a lot of my pain and anger into fighting for causes I care about. I’m still hurt and still healing but I’m trying every day to be the open-minded, progressive woman and role model I needed when I was young.
It was actually RuPaul who played a part in my healing. I'm a huge fan of his, and he offered the best wisdom. He said, “You get to choose your family.” And I did that. I built a family of friends. And of course, I need to credit my husband, who also gave me excellent advice. He said, “It’s time to choose yourself.”
And I’m doing that.
Today, it’s this family I’ve chosen who keep me grounded and fill up my love cup to the brim. I felt very alone for a lot of my life and had no choice but to be independent. But now, to be able to lean on a community is such a warm feeling. Finding my friends and having this community we’ve built has been a huge blessing.
I also think that things are getting better for all of us every day because people are more transparent. And transparency is our way out. People can’t hide as freely as they once did.
I look at my friends who are modern parents and they’re in touch with their own emotions and trauma and trying to heal it. I feel like things are out in the sunshine now and we’re all hurting and healing together. The more we talk, the more we can process our emotions and trauma in a healthy way and we can go on to be better people.
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I asked Kathleen what she’s proudest of when it comes to her home today. She says that it’s exactly like her and it remains flexible.
In the early days, we underwent a total renovation, and some neighbors weren’t shy about questioning some of our choices. I just smiled and shrugged. I love every piece of it, and besides, it’s the memories we’ve made here that make this place so special.