Is Resentment Calling You Home?
by Alyssa Zander
photo by Zac Ong for Unsplash
“As women, most of us have been shown for generations to over-give and self-sacrifice in order to receive safety and love.”
Do you find yourself hurt when people don't recognize your efforts? I know what it feels like to want someone to just see you, see everything that you do and validate you. Maybe even celebrate you for all the responsibilities you carry like boulders on your back.
So many of us are craving to be seen that we have normalized some wildly outrageous patterns. We don't take that bath we want out of guilt. We buy the groceries, make dinner, and clean up the house everyday so we couldn't possibly take a day to be out in nature. We don't take that solo trip because the house will fall apart if we aren't there. And we lay in our beds at night completely exhausted and resentful because there isn't one person saying:
“Thank you for everything you do.”
“I appreciate you.”
“I see you, how can I support you today?”
So there we are, feeling alone, unappreciated, abandoned, and rejected. Everything we are so desperately trying to avoid. And this is where our patterns go the extra mile with those boulders on our backs. We put more effort in and that void that we're trying to fill inside of us gets deeper and deeper and deeper. It's time to stop abandoning yourself, babe.
I know it feels like this is being done to you, whether that is by your partner, your children, your friends, your family. But just pause for a second:
Are you taking the time to check in with yourself?
Are you doing what others need and want before checking in with what you need and what you want?
As women, most of us have been shown for generations to over-give and self-sacrifice in order to receive safety and love. It is time to reclaim our authenticity and sovereignty through taking radical personal responsibility and stop abandoning and rejecting ourselves.
Yes, I know this is challenging, but by not checking in and tending to ourselves first, we are actually the ones abandoning and rejecting ourselves.
So what does this mean for us?
“We have a responsibility to come home.”
I like to use this analogy of houses. You have a house, I have a house, your partner has a house, your mom has a house. So many of us are living outside of our houses because we are all up in someone else's house trying to tidy up their space and make it nice and cozy for them.
We go into perceiving the needs or wants of others, which is where we find ourselves in their house (uninvited, nonetheless). By doing this, we have left our own home.
So many of us have these abandoned homes, dirt collecting on the shelves, cobwebs in the corner of the rooms, lights turned off for years. We forgot that our own home has needs and wants, too. We have a responsibility to come home. To turn on the lights, dust off our shit, and take care of ourselves.
Where do I begin?
“In a nutshell, boundaries, babe.”
Resentment can be a powerful tool to show you where you need support. Don’t push it away or numb yourself with distractions. Instead ask yourself:
Where do you feel resentful or exhausted?
Where can you begin to allow others to support you?
Maybe that looks like:
"Hey babe, do you want to cook or clean up dishes tonight?"
"I notice I'm starting to feel exhausted and angry. I'll need some time to take care of myself tonight, can you help by putting the kids to bed?"
In a nutshell, boundaries, babe. It will feel uncomfortable AF at first, and you will likely be met with resistance. Is my partner whistling a tune when I've asked for support with doing the dishes? Yeah, right! Expect it to be done with an attitude. But remember that's not your house, that's theirs. They get to navigate their discomfort, just as you are navigating yours.
It's time to take everyone else’s boulders off your back. You weren't meant to carry it all. There is a reason they say to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others. It’s because you'll pass the fuck out and then you can't help anyone.
So put that oxygen mask on. The more you tend to your house, the less you will seek that validation from outside of you. The more you ask for what you need, the less abandoned you'll feel.
It starts with you.
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