The 4 types of friends you need to get through life and one you'll need to let go
Amanda Seales, Yvonne Orji, Issa Rae, Natasha Rothwell in Insecure. Photo courtesy of HBO max.
by Rachael Moshman
“If you’re reading this, take it as a sign to reach out to your friends today.”
Adult friendships are often at the bottom of our list of priorities. We get so busy in our marriages, parenting, and careers that platonic relationships often get pushed to the back burner. I was so focused on being a wife and mother I rarely saw my friends during my whole twenty-year marriage. But when my world imploded, friends stepped in to help gather up the pieces.
These are the types of friends I’ve leaned on since becoming a divorced, empty-nester.
The Emergency Friends
My 17-year-old almost died two weeks after my fortieth birthday. I spent 14 nights sleeping on a window seat in the ICU. During that time, I realized my marriage was toxic and I was terribly unhappy. I wasn’t sure I’d ever been happy.
My then-husband wasn’t there for me or for our daughter. In fact, he only visited twice (both briefly) during the entire two weeks she was in the hospital. Fortunately, a group of emergency friends emerged.
It had been years, even decades, since I saw many of these friends. But here they were showing up in huge ways. They came to the hospital, sent gift cards, made sure I was eating, and literally offered up their livers.
As my daughter stabilized and the crisis passed, the emergency friends went back to their regularly scheduled lives.
“I leaned heavily on a small group of people. My therapist referred to them as The Bubble.”
The Bubble Friends
I announced I was leaving my marriage very shortly after my daughter was released from the hospital. I was with him from ages twenty to forty. Standing on my own was terrifying.
A small group of friends became my lifeline as I navigated my divorce. It was messy and my ex was volatile. I felt incredibly guilty for disrupting my daughter’s life when she was fresh out of the hospital. I had zero confidence in my ability to stand on my own and was overwhelmed by my new unknown future.
I leaned heavily on a small group of people. My therapist referred to them as “The Bubble.”
I didn’t do anything without consulting The Bubble. Every decision I needed to make was discussed with each of them. Long emotional text vents were copied and pasted to each friend. I was texting, Snapchatting, talking on the phone, or hanging out with one of these people pretty much every waking hour for six months.
My therapist warned I couldn’t keep up with this intensity of communication forever. He also urged me to go outside of The Bubble.
“There’s a limited amount of air inside a bubble. You’re going to suffocate if you don’t pop it and let in fresh air.”
It turns out he was right.
A growing number of women are ditching the hair dye and embracing the natural signs of aging when it comes to hair. Are we at a point where we see women over 40 as whole, empowered, and vibrant? [con’t…]
The New Life, New Friends
I conveniently met new friends as the bubble was bursting. They became my family. The best parts of the last several years were spent with them. We did holidays and birthdays together, went on trips, laughed more than I have in my whole life, and sat on each other’s couches for hours talking about nothing and everything.
They supported me through the finalization of my divorce, parenting two teenage girls on my own, and getting them both off to college, several moves, job loss, the death of my beloved cat, and so much more. We shared our deepest, heaviest feelings; the stuff we’d never really shared with anyone before. We cheered each other on as we worked towards our goals, comforted each other with emergency drinks on the water when plans didn’t go as we’d hoped, and pushed each other to keep trying anyway.
I thought they’d be in my life forever. Then I made some really regretful choices that blew those friendships up. Hurting people I loved so much and losing them from my life was the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through. I shattered. I fell the eff apart.
“I told them everything, how in a matter of hours my entire world had crashed down. They listened and immediately said, “What do you need right now?””
The OG Friends
When I lost those relationships I was unable to function. The pain and shame spewed out constantly either in sobs or in crying confessions. I didn’t eat or sleep. I didn’t know how I’d ever be okay again.
I lost most of my friendships, and not just the people I’d hurt. Some dropped me when I told them what I did. Others didn’t want the “drama” of an emotional breakdown in their lives.
But the ones who stayed in my corner, really stayed. Two women I’ve known since we were teenagers are both teachers. I messaged them on the last day of school and asked to meet. I told them everything, how in a matter of hours my entire world had crashed down. They listened and immediately said, “What do you need right now?”
They spent big chunks of their summer breaks checking in on me. There were brunches, thrift shop trips, and long talks reflecting on everything that went wrong.
“A friendship so special it needs its own unique term”
Bestie Boos
And then there’s my bestie boo. I call him that because it’s a friendship so special it needs its own unique term. Bestie Boo and I have been friends since we were 14. We drifted apart while I was married and reconnected in a big way at the end of my marriage. He’s the only person from The Bubble I’m still close to.
He pushed me to action. In addition to losing relationships so very important to me, I’d lost my job, and my privacy and security were both jeopardized. He gave me tasks each morning.
“You need to change all of your passwords and then you can cry.”
He checked back later in the day to see what I accomplished.
He was the only reason I got out of bed for months. He checked in every morning and evening. And usually several times in between.
I became physically ill. I brushed off the exhaustion, headaches, and weight loss as side effects of my poor mental health for months. Then I nearly passed out in public several times. After many doctor visits, I was diagnosed with severe anemia. These OG friends supported me through that, too, researching iron deficiency, constantly offering to drop off food or nausea meds, and understanding when I had to cancel plans because I didn’t have the energy to get off the couch. Bestie Boo ordered me to his house for long stays several times so I could rest under his watchful care.
A survey showed while the average American reports difficulty maintaining new friendships, 50% reported still being friends with someone from high school. This data certainly holds true for me. My OG friends kept me afloat as I healed both emotionally and physically this past year. (And because I’m in my forties, I just Googled “OG” to make sure I was using it correctly.)
And it makes sense. Research shows that, “friends also play a significant role in promoting your overall health.” In fact, they can help us live longer. Studies have found that older adults who have good friends “live longer than their peers with fewer connections.”
I don’t know how I would have survived these first few years of my forties without friends wether they were temporary, transitional, longstanding. That’s not being overly dramatic. I seriously don’t know how I would have navigated the shit show of the last four years on my own. I’ve been so fortunate to have had people pick me up when I was facedown on the floor (sometimes literally) and help me find my way back into the light. I’ve done so much healing, growing, and learning through these experiences that I’m excited about the healthier connections I’ll make going forward.
If you’re reading this, take it as a sign to reach out to your friends today. Give those connections a dose of energy. They might turn out to be the most important pieces of your life one day.
Rachael Moshman is a writer, educator, and thrift diver. She’s on a journey to find herself after marriage, motherhood, and divorce. Follow along at www.ramblingrach.com.