Reparenting 101: The why, how, and healing of this New Age-y practice
by Jennifer Cooper
Photo by Annie Spratt for Unsplash
A few years ago, I started seeing a word show up in the wellness space: Reparenting. My degree is in psychology and I worked under licensed psychologist for years, and yet, had never heard of it. So beyond the catchy name and new-agey speak, what is it exactly?
In a nutshell, reparenting is about giving yourself the care and nurturing you may have missed out on as a child. And as simple as that sounds, it’s not easy.
Issues with Vulnerability
Here’s the thing, reparenting requires a level of vulnerability that can be uncomfortable. And here’s the thing about vulnerability, most of us say we’re okay with it, but when it comes to practicing it, we freak out. Let me explain further by asking you two questions:
How easy is it for you to drop what you're doing to help someone in need—a friend, your kid, your partner—without expectation of any kind of reciprocity?
Now, how easy is it for you to ask for and receive help without feeling awkward, insecure, or like you need to return the favor?
Notice any shifts in your feelings answering those two questions? Maybe a bit of a bristling after question two or mentally saying Yes, I’m totally okay with receiving help, while your body said, Yikes! If so, this is where you may have issues with vulnerability that reparenting can help repair.
How Reparenting Can Help You Feel Safer and More Secure
First, it teaches you that it's safe to ask for and receive help. You probably already know this on a logical level, but believing it on an emotional level or putting it into practice can be a lot trickier.
And it's understandable why. Your initial experiences with vulnerability as a child probably weren't great. In fact, it could have led to some unpleasant lessons that it’s now time to let go.
Before we go further, let me say this isn’t a “it’s all your parent’s fault” story. As a parent myself, I can see how even when I try to do everything right, I’m still going to miss something. And, I’m going to widen the lens here and say, without access to adequate child and collective care in the U.S., we can't possibly meet all the needs of a growing human being. Raising people isn't a one-person job. We are designed to be raised in community with each other.
However, the point here is that experiencing trauma as a kid can make the idea of vulnerability terrifying and the act of receiving things like help even harder. So give yourself extra love, which, coincidentally is one of the practices of reparenting we’re talking about.
Second, it helps you identify unhelpful patterns from your past, heal old wounds, and create a new way forward with greater self-awareness and understanding. It can even help you feel comfortable voicing your needs and desires.
Third, it helps you write new stories. Our child-minds were excellent at making up stories (or confirming false ones that were told to us) that, as uncomfortable as it may be to admit, still live inside us.
Some Words of Caution
When it comes to doing any self-improvement work, you’ll likely experience some strong emotions. There may be echoes of abandonment, loneliness, and confusion.
Throughout this process, it’s important to check in with your body to see how it reacts to your memories. Has your pulse quickened? Do you feel shaky? Are you at ease?
You’lll want to have tools to help you work through any emotions that come up. This is where breathwork, or an embodiment practice like yoga, dance, or movement can help. It helps the body discharge those energetic feelings and let them go.
Here’s one to start: if you feel anxious recalling past experiences, lie down on the floor. The feeling of your body being in contact with something stable sends a signal to your brain that you are physically safe, which is helpful when you’re dealing with emotional waves.
How to Reparent Yourself
Now that we’ve talked about what reparenting is, and what it can stir up, let’s get to the work.
The process involves looking back at your childhood and identifying the areas in which you were not given what you needed and deserved. Then you create ways now to receive what you needed then. It can be through visualization, writing to your younger self, or creating a plan of action to work towards a goal.
For instance, maybe you didn’t have emotional support, financial security, or healthy boundaries. What are some ways you can compassionately offer yourself those things now?
This work can be confusing at first. Some therapist will do the whole process through hypnotic regression. Once you go back to a memory, the therapist may offer helpful messages that offer your younger self the support, love, etc that you needed.
But another way to get to the root of what you’re feeling, and develop a plan for moving forward, is through journaling. It’s a lower-barrier way to develop self-compassion and more nourishing practices moving forward. I think it also speaks more to how Building Belonging, a Medium community working towards transformation and liberation, describes reparenting: “This is about transforming ourselves, about the process of unlearning harmful patterns/behaviors and practicing new ways of being.”
Here are a some prompts to get you started:
What was your emotional experience of growing up?
How did you learn to cope with difficult emotions?
In what ways do you think your childhood experiences still affect you today?
What are some traits or behaviors you think you adopted to protect yourself as a child that you want to let go of now?
What do you need today to nurture yourself that you didn't get as a child?
As you write, try not to judge what comes up. Let the words flow first. Then look at them with a sense of curiosity. You may start to see patterns emerge and spot opportunities to reclaim who you are and what you can do to create a happier, healthier life for yourself.
Because at its core, reparenting is learning how to meet your very human needs and give yourself unconditional love and deep care without fear.
Part of that might first be identifying exactly what a happier, healthier life looks like for you. Maybe it includes things like setting boundaries, engaging in activities that let you express your emotions in healthy ways, meditation, spending time with friends, or being in community with others.
Patience, Practice, Compassion
Keep in mind that reparenting is a process and not a quick fix. It takes time and dedication to heal past wounds, set boundaries, and create a new way forward. But with patience, practice, and most of all self-compassion, you can transform your life into something you can love wholeheartedly.
And finally—and I can’t stress this enough—seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed by the process or uncomfortable facing certain unresolved issues from your childhood. A qualified therapist can help you make sense of these issues and provide the resources, support, and guidance that you need to move forward. You don’t have to go it alone.
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