My Child Said They're Trans. Now what?
Interview by Jennifer Cooper
Image: Andra C Taylor Jr for Unsplash
“There is beauty and peace and ease in the journey.”
A growing number of young people are now identifying as transgender. And even though being transgender isn’t new (see: Transgender History by Susan Stryker), about 80% of Americans say they don’t personally know anyone who is transgender.
So, it can come as a shock when your child says, “I’m trans,” because even though many transgender children have a feeling they’re different in some way from other kids early on (usually when they’re around the age of seven), they don’t often have the language or experience to communicate it. In fact, the majority of transgender people don’t come out until puberty or later.
First, if you found this article because your child is transgender, I hope the Q&A below helps. Second, know that whatever you’re feeling is okay.
Because here’s the thing: The majority of our generation has zero reference points other than what we saw in movies and television which largely portrayed transgender people as strange, duplicitous, or “other.” That means we have a lot of unconscious stuff to unpack, regardless of our own upbringing or baggage: political, social, geographical, economic, etc.
And while we do have historical references to transgender people dating back to between 5000 and 3000 B.C., most institutions we look to for understanding how our bodies work (i.e. medical institutions) ignored transgender people until the 20th century when the Institute for Sex Research was formed. But then, because of a national hate campaign and a play to consolidate the SS’s power, a group of young Nazis destroyed it.
This caused another period of erasure that would be followed by criminalization, which bled over into the media we consumed in the late 20th century.
Combined with all that unpacking, you’re currently raising a child who is part of a large, sweeping, political scapegoat campaign...again. So the confusion, anxiety, fear, grief, rollercoaster of emotion are all understandable.
And because we are all products of our environment I want to acknowledge all that context. However, this isn’t some theoretical debate to parents of transgender kids. For them—and perhaps you—this is very real and deeply emotional.
Shame lives in the shadows. And there is no need for that here. jennifer was created to bring light to some of those shadowy corners, so we can live with more pleasure, enthusiasm, and delight.
That’s why I recently spoke with a parent of a transgender child to learn more about their experience. This is only one parent’s experience so it may or may not mirror your own. Nevertheless, I’m publishing this in the hopes that it may help you feel seen.
Please note, this parent has requested I withhold their name out of respect for their child.
Alexander Gray for Unsplash
What was your initial reaction to your child when he told you he was transgender?
We had been to the beach the day before he came out to me. It was a cool, sunny, windy day, and I remember he brought up trans people and how hard life is for them. And then he got really, really sad. The next day he came out. I wasn’t surprised and yet I was. I think of myself as a very open-minded person, but it took a look of mental gymnastics for me to be open to my child being something that I knew would make life so much harder for all of us, especially him. I shoved all that down and just held him and told him I loved him, that I was here for him, that I didn’t know much, and I definitely didn’t know what was next, but I was open to learning.
What do you wish you knew then that you know now?
I wish I knew that there is beauty and peace and ease in the journey. The early days were full of so much pressure for change, change NOW! I had so much internal resistance that I just didn’t know how to cope with. I think the big thing I see now is that I wasn’t losing him; he was really on a journey (as most children are) to be more fully himself.
How might a parent feel when their child comes out?
I think the most common reaction is fear. The public conversations often revolve around whether trans people are legitimate, which, to put it mildly, is so disheartening. For many, it is absolutely terrifying. I think the second most common reaction is relief. Many times a trans child is going through so much pain, engaging in self-harm, or having thoughts of suicide. Some parents are just relieved to have a name for what is happening and, with that, a course of recommended medical treatment.
Is there anything parents should do if they suspect their child is transgender?
I think the most important thing to do is to create an environment of openness and curiosity to frame dialogue. There is never a need to rush someone to come out or force a conversation, but you can let your child know that you love and accept them as they are. This can be done by telling them, but you can also start to engage with your own learning process. Read books, watch movies, and appreciate the world of gender-expansiveness. Talk about these ideas and concepts with acceptance. This includes accepting your child, as they are, with their own gender expression. If they want to wear sparkles, great. If they want to climb trees, great. It will help your child on their journey to acceptance.
Are there any resources you recommend?
I always recommend that people start with Gender Spectrum. They have a nationwide online support group and also hold an annual conference for families. It has been online since the pandemic. There are some amazing books, like The Transgender Teen and The Transgender Child, and also the WPATH Standards of Care will help you understand the different types of intervention.
First and foremost though, get yourself into a support group or connected with a therapist or someone who you don’t have to support and doesn’t have their own issues around trans people or your child’s identity. Find somewhere you can voice your own concerns without having to field other people sharing their own thoughts about it.
What do you want parents of transgender kids to know?
Grief is an inherent part of this process. It’s partly because there is so much unknown. The sense of loss can be quite daunting. Grief mostly requires sitting with feelings and recognizing they are temporary. But for us parents, it is tightly linked to fear. All parents fear for their children in different ways. For trans parents this takes on a whole new level and can really exacerbate grief. So, be kind with yourself; love the part of you that is fearful and afraid. When this part of you goes unattended to, it can express itself in ways that can be damaging to your child. So please take good care of yourself so that you can take good care of your precious unicorn child!
I want to send a heartfelt thank you to the parent who agreed to be interviewed for this piece. Please check out the books and media referenced. And like this parent says, please take good care of yourself. While the grief is real, trans joy is too and it’s beautiful.
What You May have Missed
