Is your Mother Wound showing?
Gemma Evans for Unsplash
“Ultimately, reconciling with motherhood involves cultivating self-compassion, embracing imperfection, and offering ourselves the love and understanding we deserve. By doing so, we liberate ourselves from society’s unrealistic expectations and create a nurturing space where the true essence of motherhood can unfold.”
Here’s the thing about mothers…
Okay, that intro didn’t work, let me start again.
I’ll say this about being a mother…
Damn, I have no good way to start this piece. Every time I think about it, I get a jumble of emotions stuck in my throat because how can we talk about something so complex, complicated, and confusing as our experience with mothering—either being mothered ourselves, or being the source of it for someone else?
Thankfully, Alyssa Zander is here to help me through this. Alyssa is a codependency and relationship coach who has a new book out called, Healing the Mother Wound: with Mother Earth. In it she guides readers, using poetry as a vehicle, through parts of themselves they’ve forgotten or misplaced to remember who they truly are: whole, held, and loved.
Reviewers have call it “medicine for the soul,” “a calling home of the self,” and “more than an experience of reading poetry, it’s an activation.”
I recently chatted with Alyssa about her new book, the mother wound, and the f’d up societal messaging about motherhood that so many of us have internalized and how we can heal from it.
Tell me about the mother wound. What is it and how do I know if I have one?
For me, the mother wound refers to the absence of safety and love we needed as children from our mothers. It doesn't imply that your mother was unloving or uncaring overall, but rather highlights moments when you felt unworthy and inadequate, believing you weren't good or perfect enough to receive your mother's love and validation. This wound is closely connected to codependency, as it leads to seeking validation and safety externally because a part of you is trying to reconcile that lack of safety and love it didn't get when you were a child.
To determine if you have a mother wound, you can observe if you exhibit patterns of over-giving, self-sacrificing, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and a lack of boundaries. Additionally, if you consistently prioritize the needs and desires of others while neglecting or being unaware of your own, and if you struggle with low self-esteem and confidence, it may indicate the presence of a mother wound.
What is one of the biggest challenges you see people facing when it comes to carrying this wound without tending to it?
Undoubtedly, one of the biggest challenges people face when carrying this wound without tending to it is the burden of victimhood. Those who bear this wound often experience a pervasive sense of heaviness and exhaustion as they constantly try to please others and seek external validation, leading to resentment. Dysfunctional patterns tend to persist in their lives, perpetuating an unsafe and unloved feeling within their homes. They often try to fill the void within themselves with external sources, unaware that true fulfillment can only come from reconnecting with their own essence.
When individuals begin to recognize their role in these dysfunctional dynamics, they may encounter feelings of shame and guilt, further entrenching themselves in the victim narrative, only now they become victims of their own selves. It is crucial to remember that a wise part of them created these defense mechanisms to ensure safety, and that they are not at fault or flawed. Now is the time to return to oneself, to embrace and heal this wounded part, and to embark on a transformative journey towards a life abundant with healthy, loving, and reciprocal relationships.
As a mother, I can now see (acutely!) the position society places mothers in: she needs to be everything to us, and also never fuck up. That’s an unrealistic standard for any human to live up to. So how do we reconcile the reality of motherhood with the medicine of it?
Reconciling the reality of motherhood with its inherent medicine requires us to embark on a journey of reparenting ourselves, where we reclaim control from the part of ourselves that is stuck in the past, believing that we need to meet unrealistic standards to receive love. It's essential to discern whose voice is driving the projections and pressures we feel, as they're usually not even ours.
Granting ourselves permission to be imperfect is a crucial first step. We must be willing to make mistakes and take responsibility for them, even though the fear of failure can be overwhelming. This fear had a profound impact on my own life, as I believed that fucking up equaled a metaphorical death. Yes, it can be that dramatic, and oftentimes is for many people I work with. It's important to acknowledge and hold space for the intensity of that fear, recognizing its validity, and meeting it with compassion and grace. You can catch me conversing with myself regularly with a hand on my heart, acknowledging the part that believes perfection is necessary and saying, "I see you, I hear you, I know how scary it feels. But I want you to know that I've got you, and we are safe. Even if we stumble and make mistakes, we will figure it out together, and remember that every misstep holds a lesson for us."
Ultimately, reconciling with motherhood involves cultivating self-compassion, embracing imperfection, and offering ourselves the love and understanding we deserve. By doing so, we liberate ourselves from society's unrealistic expectations and create a nurturing space where the true essence of motherhood can unfold.
“You can catch me conversing with myself regularly with a hand on my heart, acknowledging the part that believes perfection is necessary and saying, I see you, I hear you, I know how scary it feels. But I want you to know that I’ve got you, and we are safe.”
Why did you choose poetry as the vehicle for this book and work?
I chose poetry for this book and work because it holds a profound significance in my life. It was through poetry that I began to truly see and understand myself. From the earliest moments I can recall, I kept journals, and the pen and paper became my steadfast companions when it felt like no one else would listen. Poetry and writing became my salvation, rescuing me from the depths of my trauma and guiding me through the darkest chapters in my life.
As I embarked on my healing journey, reaching a sacred place within myself, my Spirit Guides and Ancestors revealed to me the vision of this book. They showed me that it was my soul's mission to awaken the collective consciousness to the healing of the mother wound and codependency, facilitating a path toward sovereignty and boundless joy. In my own life, I began to taste the magic of healing the mother wound—a profound transformation that I had believed was impossible to attain in this lifetime. The joy and peace that blossomed within me ignited an unyielding passion to share this liberation with others. And poetry became my chosen vessel for this purpose. Through the act of channeling Mother Earth, whose healing salve is inscribed in italicized poems within the book, I found that even her wisdom flowed through me in the form of poems. I embraced this gift wholeheartedly, without question, as the words effortlessly danced onto the page.
I truly feel poetry possesses an inherent power to transcend boundaries and touch the depths of the human spirit. It weaves together emotions, experiences, and truths in a tapestry of profound beauty and resonance. It speaks to the soul, bypassing the confines of logic and rationality, and stirs within us a profound sense of connection and understanding. Poetry allows me to express the ineffable, to paint with words the intricate landscapes of healing and empowerment. Through poetry, I hope to ignite a spark within each reader, to initiate them in their own healing journey, and to inspire a collective shift towards wholeness and sovereignty.
What do you hope readers take away from this book?
Through this book, I hope readers will come to understand that healing the mother wound extends beyond reconciling with the mother figure present in their lives. It encompasses the profound journey of reconciling with the mother within themselves and creating the safety and nurturing they have always deserved. It involves reclaiming the mother archetype within and embodying the loving, nurturing presence that they yearned for as a child, even if that presence was absent in their external reality.
Healing the mother wound invites us to be the compassionate and supportive mother to the fragmented parts of our own souls that may have been left behind along our life's path. By engaging in this healing journey, readers have the opportunity to cultivate a profound and transformative relationship with the Mother within and around them. They can tap into the nurturing embrace of Mother Earth, allowing her to support and guide them as they navigate the path towards healing the mother wound. Ultimately, the book aims to inspire readers to recognize the interconnectedness of their healing journey with the healing of Mother Earth herself, fostering a reciprocal and loving bond that nurtures both the individual and the collective.
Many, many thanks to Alyssa for being here and generously sharing so much. You can find her book Healing the Mother Wound: With Mother Earth on Amazon, Bookshop, Barnes and Noble, and BookBaby. You can also find her talking about codependency, relationships, and the Mother Wound on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube and her podcast Codependency Alchemy.