Family UnTied: Follow Up
Remote Photography by Dave Cooper
Story by Jen Cooper
The holiday season is here again. And thanks to the COVID-19 vaccine, that means the return of family gatherings. Some are excited, while others still feel the sting of political rifts and vaccine debates making their visits… awkward.
Last year, I wrote a piece called Family UnTied. In it I shared the experiences of women who were dealing with a friend or family fallout. I’m not exactly sure what I was looking to discover when I wrote it. I just knew I needed to document that moment in time. I also wanted others to know they weren’t alone in dealing with the political and disinformation mess tearing apart relationships with loved ones.
It was the piece I needed to write to help me process how divided we’ve become.
Since I published that article, we got a vaccine and a new political administration. Things, at least optically, are different. So, I went back to the women to see if any of these things changed their relationships with their families. Were they able to find their way back to one another?
Here are the updates:
“He sits around pissed off and outraged. He’s 80 and this is the last portion of his life. Of course he’d be pissed. I would be too!”
Amy
When we last met Amy, her father-in-law believed COVID was a hoax and her family wasn’t visiting him as much as they’d used to. At the time she explained, “There’s this intense non-confrontational thing in my husband’s family. So it’s become a really unfortunate dance of constantly having our guard up. We can’t open ourselves up too much to them.”
Since then, over 770,000 Americans have died from COVID. Clearly, it wasn’t a hoax. I wondered if that changed anything for her father-in-law.
“I’m sad to report that my husband recently decided that we would no longer be in touch with his parents,” Amy said. “It’s been a weird year and a half. It just sucks so much. When we last spoke we were focused on the election and politics, but the whole thing with COVID has been politicized so much it’s become the core of the argument.”
Amy’s father-in-law is both immunocompromised and has a serious respiratory health condition. This, combined with his age, makes him especially vulnerable.
“When all the information came out about COVID, we were worried about him. He immediately said he wasn’t going to wear a mask. So we compromised by getting together outside. But then he’d say he was chilly. So, he didn’t want to be outside.”
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Family UnTied
Six women share the painful effects politics and religion have had on their families and friendships in this turbulent era. [con’t…]
This left Amy’s family few choices for getting together even though they wanted to. “Like many others, he wants to pretend that it’s not happening. So he sits around pissed off and outraged. He’s 80 and this is the last portion of his life. Of course he’d be pissed. I would be too! But we’re trying to work with him to keep him safe and he won’t meet us because he’s dug himself so far in.”
The tension came to a head last month when Amy mentioned a recent flight she’d taken. “I said something about people and masks and it blew up from there. My husband came into the room and heard it all, and that’s when he said we weren’t going over anymore.”
So now, they’re in a cool down period.
Amy has tried to avoid any type of political talk, but says, “If I have to censor every word or censor everything I say, then it’s almost impossible to have any conversation.”
It does seem as if even the most innocuous things have a political edge to them now and many feel anger and resentment over being misunderstood or fear being judged.
“He said he’s treating me like someone who’s died.”
Allison
I called Allison to check in. The last time we spoke, Allison had just had a tense conversation about race with her mother. They did not see eye to eye. Allison’s mom, who is white, hadn’t been taught to think about race in a larger context, and the reckoning of that summer of Black Lives Matter protests had completely overwhelmed her.
“Things with my mom have gotten better. We had that really strained call where I got ragey, but she was willing to call me back. I appreciated that she kept trying to understand even though I was pushing all of her buttons. That actually really helped our relationship. Because I knew even if I pushed some of her buttons, she wasn’t going to ghost me.”
Sadly, things with Allison’s dad haven’t gone as well. To recap, Allison’s dad had said she wasn’t fun to talk to anymore. This was after she challenged him on what happened in Charlottesville, “He blamed Antifa and anti-Trump supporters for everything.” Allison saw a different reason.
While they haven’t spoken about Charlottesville or anything related to race or politics, it didn’t help their relationship.
“He said he’s treating me like someone who’s died. I was looking to him to help me understand where he was coming from. He saw that as judging him.” Allison’s dad couldn’t handle the feelings of being judged, so he severed their relationship.
Allison is still wrestling with completely letting go of the relationship.
“My mom said we still have a chance to be a family. ”
Jayme
Finally, we come to Jayme. She’s had a far different experience since her family fallout.
When I last spoke with Jayme, she was trying to save her relationships by muting her family on social media. They’d grown so far apart politically and that distance re-opened old wounds. “It was so hurtful. Saying things about removing statues and how they won’t kneel for anyone but God,” Jayme said.
When I checked in with her to see how things were going, her response was immediate: “Jen! I have so much to share. I am so humbled by some recent trauma that has come to light and am finding solace in family more than ever, in ways I never could have fathomed.”
Jayme told me she had just escaped a very bad relationship that left her without any resources. She also had no one to turn to. That’s when her mom stepped up. “We’ve transcended any political divide.”
But even before Jayme needed help, there were glimmers of hope for the relationship. It started earlier this year with the death of her grandfather, who Jayme was very close with. Jayme and her children flew back to Pennsylvania for the funeral. It was one of the first times Jayme’s kids got to be with her mom. They spent time together in the kitchen cooking, playing games and sharing family stories. “We all bonded. It was amazing. Gaining that family back was huge.”
Jayme knows she and her mom aren’t the same people they once were. “My mom’s relaxed a ton after leaving the repressive church she was in.”
Jayme’s mom is now able to be the support system she couldn’t before. “My mom said we still have a chance to be a family. She also said she can envision a bright future for me. She said I don’t have to let what’s happened stand in the way of that future.”
Then Jayme’s mom offered her something invaluable, the thing that healthy families offer each other: a soft place to land.
“She told me that I don’t have to be strong. And for me, it’s hard not to be that way. I’ve had to be the strong one all my life. But she said it’s okay to lean on family and I think that’s helped heal us both. A year ago, I was like F my family. But now? I got to say, it’s a very humbling experience to have to ask for help, but family is invaluable.”
I keep a set of reference books on a shelf in my dining room. There’s one called Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD, that I return to again and again. I bought it in 2015 when the election season was first ramping up. I was hoping it’d help me make sense of what I saw: the divisions made clear, the fear, the anger, the hurt.
I hope it’d help me be part of the solution rather than the problem. Of course, like everyone else I’ve failed in that attempt many, many times. That’s the reality of being human. But when I’m feeling my healthiest, strongest self, I go back to the book.
There are many gems in it, but I’ll leave you with what I believe to be the main one:
In order to connect, we first need to be compassionate with ourselves. And when we feel anger and judgement, know they’re just feelings that tell us our needs aren’t met. When we understand this, we’re more likely to understand each other.
So, this holiday season, please be kind to yourself first. Meet your needs first. Give yourself compassion as someone living this messy human experience. Then, if you’re feeling ready, extend that compassion and understanding out to whomever is willing to receive it.
Because you deserve all the joy this holiday season can offer.
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