The Case for New Traditions
by Krysty Krywko
photo by Sigmund for Unsplash
My mother put a lot of work into creating picture perfect holidays. There were piles of beautifully wrapped presents, holiday décor unboxed and spread around the house, and large Ukrainian gatherings with mounds of food and noise that makes the scenes in My Big Fat Greek Wedding sound like the hush of a library.
As a child, I loved all of it.
When I became a mother, I gave up trying to recreate those scenes from childhood. Not because I don’t care about the holidays (in my opinion, Christmas is one of the most magical times of the year), but because I watched my mother wear herself down to the bone every year. From October to December, there wasn’t a day she wasn’t chopping, stirring, shopping, wrapping, rushing, driving, decorating, inviting, managing, directing, mailing, or worrying.
Beth Berry, author of Motherwhelmed: Challenging Norms, Untangling Truths, and Restoring Our Worth in the World, refers to this as “holiday motherwhelm.” But I don’t think you have to be a mother to experience this. It can happen to anyone who finds themselves in a state of over-functioning and trying to create meaningful magical experiences for people you love.
But, let’s be honest, the burden for this creation of a magical holiday fantasy rests unevenly on the shoulders of women.
“It’s okay if things feel or look different this year”
This past summer, my mother finally confessed that it was all too much. She told me she wished she hadn’t spent so much time getting ready for the holidays; that she’d spent more time enjoying them. The season went by in a blur, she said. She could hardly pull herself out of bed on January 1st. That’s how exhausted she was.
I think of the time and energy my mother put into making sure everyone else had an experience to remember; the heaviness of what she went through, of what was “expected” of mothers in the Canadian suburb I grew up in. It feels soul-crushing.
Those expectations aren’t something I want to pick up. So I haven’t.
I shift into self-preservation mode when the holiday season arrives. I spend a lot of energy, protecting my own energy. I’m no longer willing to lose myself to the madness of a season, especially as a single-mother. I don’t have the time or the resources to do that.
Audre Lorde stated, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare.” In times of stress and turmoil, we’re told we need to medicate ourselves, instead of freeing ourselves. Instead of taking our place on the front lines of the lives we want to create, we’re told to retreat onto our couches and just “rosé all day.”
But I want to tell you, it’s okay if things feel or look different this year. In fact, here are some ways to ensure self-preservation stays at the top of your list as a gift to yourself.
Take some time
AKA putting some boundaries in place so your entire life doesn’t get disrupted for the last quarter of the year. A big part of protecting your energy during the holiday season is knowing what your needs are so you can find, or strengthen, your voice. This can be hard at first, especially if you’re in the habit of doing all the things for everyone else before you think of yourself, so be gentle. Alone time can be anything from 15 minutes from behind the locked door of the bathroom drinking a cup of coffee and listening to a podcast, to booking a night for yourself at an Airbnb in your town. Find what works for you and plan for it unapologetically. Alone time isn’t a selfish endeavor.
Change traditions
There’s usually generational baggage that arrives with holidays. What dishes are you supposed to serve? What time are they served? Who exchanges gifts with who? And so on. I’ve rewritten many of my family traditions. The intention and the belief are the same, but they look and feel very different. Don’t run around thinking you need to always do things the same way, forever and ever. Some things will remain the same (if you want them to), and some things will change, (if you want them to). Maybe you don’t go to Michigan to spend time with your in-laws. Maybe you decide to spend Hanukkah with your neighbor this year. Think of the parts of the holidays that are important for you to keep and the traditions you want to pass on. Ask your kids, or other family members, which part of the holidays they love, and which ones they can do without.
Embrace being a boss
You might not have control over every part of the holiday—yes, your mom still expects you to be there for the big meal—but remember there are parts where you make the ultimate decision. If you can only handle a short amount of time at the New Years Eve party, you get to do that. If you want to donate money to a cause that’s close to your heart, instead of buying gifts, you get to do that. The holiday season hits everyone differently. Depression, anxiety, bad memories are real. But this can be a time to rewrite what the holiday season means to you. Volunteering can be one way to help connect with something other than yourself. If so, find an organization that resonates with who you are and you’ll bring more meaning to the season.
Go alcohol free
Alcohol is not your friend at this time of year. (It never really is, but that’s an entirely different article.) If you’re drinking around your family and have gathered data over the years that shows how it can go all kinds of wrong—crying, shouting, fighting, overreacting—skip it.
Find something that’s festive, like cranberry juice, mint, and seltzer. Or try one of the bazillion new alcohol-free beverages on the market. You won’t be hungover in the morning. Plus you’ll have better energy, focus, and clarity, and you can put all of that into being truly present for the holidays.
And if you’re spending part of the holidays alone (as a single-mother I’m always alone for something) drinking by yourself isn’t going to make you feel better. If you’re experiencing any kind of anxiety or depression, which can be brought on by the holidays, alcohol makes you feel worse.
Nourish your spirit
Deep down you know the holiday season isn’t about racing around and spending money you don’t have or that no one really needs, or wearing yourself out to create an Instagram-worthy holiday display. If those are truly the things that fill you up, then by all means go for it. But, if what you’re doing leaves you feeling empty, that’s a sign to reconnect with the core of what you’re celebrating in the first place. We all have different ways of feeding our spirit: movement, meditation, being outdoors, spending time with our peeps. These can all be more nourishing than the standard holiday traditions.
Engage in daily rituals and routines that energize you, fill you with purpose, and allow you to tackle another day.
Taking care of yourself is crucial, especially as we head into this holiday season with its undercurrent of political and cultural instability. Give yourself permission to reclaim the pieces of yourself you might have lost along the way and wave goodbye to ghosts of holidays past.
One final note
Holidays bring up all kinds of feelings. You might feel pressure to give your children or others to find the perfect gift, the most expensive gift, the coolest gift, the most gifts, or make the greatest number of cookies or whatever it is you think you need to do to impress others in your life. If you’re feeling like this, it’s totally normal.
The challenge: focus on making unique gifts for family members, or buy them second hand, instead. It can be a different way instead of showering your kids with all the latest plastic toys that are soon forgotten, or buying things because you think you have to. Saving up for a trip, or planning for an experience are also ways to avoid the holiday shopping onslaught.
