Sitting with our Shadows: A Journey Back Home to Yourself
by Alyssa Zander
photo by Milad Fakurian on Unsplash
There is nothing like the holidays to bring your deepest, darkest shadows to the light. Our family dynamics hold the cheat codes to our activation button and just when we thought we had finally forgiven that certain family member and BOOM. There we are with a tightness in our chest, clenched fists, and our wielded shield and sword.
That couldn’t have been further from the truth.
I have learned something extremely valuable and liberating after years (and thousands of dollars spent) of seeking outside of myself. In true holiday fashion, I want to gift you what I’ve learned along the way, trusting that you too will pass this onto another, and another, and together we will return to our Sovereignty.
There is no one out there that can possibly know what you need more than you do.
There's no one that could heal you more than you can heal yourself, because no one has experienced what you've experienced. It’s impossible for someone else to tell you what you need. Yes, you may find a time where you desire to have a guide in the form of a guide, but a guide is someone who walks alongside you, they hold your hand, they do not “fix” or change you.
I am honored to walk alongside many women, but I could never tell them what they need because I haven't lived their life. I can, however, guide them into finding that for themselves.
What are shadow aspects?
They are parts of ourselves that are unconscious. The parts that we repress or avoid acknowledging, usually because we have our own judgements or negative connotations with them. Swiss psychologist and psychoanalyst Carl G. Jung says “our shadow includes the darker aspects of ourselves like selfishness, greed, and aggression.” Jung believed that to become whole, we must acknowledge and accept our shadow. This process of facing your dark side is known as “shadow work.”
Sitting with our shadows brings us to meeting tender, timid, fearful, and angsty parts of us. This is the part of us that grabs the shield and sword when the activation button is pressed by your Aunt Tilly. When we are triggered or activated, it is an invitation for us to see ourselves more fully. By bringing curiosity to the moments, topics, and people that would trigger me allowed me to come into a deeper relationship with the shadow aspects of myself.
When I began to sit with my shadows, I noticed something started to soften within me. The deeper I saw myself, the deeper I was able to see and meet others. This has opened me up to holding two truths at the same time (which is extremely helpful in family dynamics).
When we sit with the shadow aspects of ourselves, the parts that we see when we are activated and triggered, we begin to learn how this part of us feels, and the stories that they tell. The more I met my shadow parts, the more wisdom I found in them.
Most of us have shadows banging outside our doors. We can’t explain why we feel “not like ourselves,” but it’s because a part of you is locked outside. My work has evolved into teaching others how to cultivate enough safety in their body to unlock the door and invite their shadow in.
When we welcome our shadow to come sit at the table and have tea with us, we hear their story, we connect, and that part of us comes home. The more we begin to love all parts of us, the greater our love grows for everything and everyone around us. Our relationships begin to take new forms (and in my experience, a much sweeter and more enjoyable form). We sit with our shadows because they have a need.
Since I haven't lived your experience I don't know how that part of you needs to be seen, but you do. You might be asking, “But how?” I am going to give you a really simple answer that your ego mind will want to be more complicated.
All you have to do is ask:
“What does this part of me need?”
“What is this here to show me, about me?”
Maybe it’s the part of you that is fighting with your partner, resentful towards your mom, or frustrated with your child. When you are triggered that is a perfect indicator that the situation or person is mirroring back something that you are needing to see within yourself. It's important to remember that when you ask the first time you might hear nothing.
The first several times I did this, I heard nothing. In fact, I heard a big, “Fuck you, I'm not talking to you for a while.” Healing is about continuously going back and building trust with these parts of us, because these parts of us are usually protecting us. They're hardened, rightfully so, as a way to keep them safe. So going back and continuing to go back with curiosity and compassion helps soften them.
The more you meet your shadows, the more you learn how to manage and navigate them. This changes the way you relate to your partner, friends, family, and children. You begin moving from a place of compassion, peace, and grace, rather than judgment, fear, and victim.
I watch the women I work with in Codependency Alchemy: The Membership move from arguing in circles, defending themselves, feeling unmet by their mothers, to feeling confident, empowered, and more joyful. Reclaiming these shadow parts of us brings us home, and we begin to live a radically different life.
This year, I invite you to give yourself the gift of loving all parts of you, fully.
Begin to use your triggers as signposts that point you back inward to meet yourself. It may seem easier to point the finger outward, but our freedom lives in the ways we take radical personal responsibility for ourselves, all parts of ourselves. Our relationships with others shift and change when our relationship to ourselves deepens.
Are you a beginner? Learn how to do shadow work, inner child healing, and somatics to support bringing healing into your body by grabbing my self-paced Codependency Alchemy Course. Jen Mag subscribers get 50% off, use code JEN MAG.
What you'll get:
Five in-depth modules filled with teachings on common codependency patterns
Shadow work reflections to get to the root of your tendencies
Inner child work to reclaim all parts of you
Somatic work to bring your nervous system into deeper regulation and resilience
Workbooks to support you in exploring these patterns deeply, so that your newfound awareness and reflections can begin to make lasting change
Guided Exercises and prompts- more than you could ever need to solidify and integrate all that you learned.
