Embrace Your Sex Appeal!
by Susan Padron
Is your email inbox filling up with clothing brands telling you what to wear for “the perfect date night look”?
That can get real overwhelming real fast. You start asking questions: Do you need new lingerie? Should you get a dress?
Let me suggest we ask better questions. But first, a little set up.
It’s easy to roll our eyes at this topic, and even become dismissive at the idea of feeling sexy. But that’s what makes this conversation really important, especially for women.
More often than not, as women age, we start to feel invisible. If we become mothers, going through perimenopause and menopause, and visibly aging in general—all of these factors can make us feel disconnected from that sexy part of ourselves.
Did you ever see that skit on Amy Schumer’s show, Inside Amy Schumer, where she brought together several actors, all women, all over the age of 40, and it was called, “last fuckable day”? It mocked how the media, and Hollywood especially, identified women as “unfuckable” once they reached a certain age. We can easily get caught up in those beliefs too.
But we’re going to rewire your brain a little so we can start thinking differently about what sexy looks like.
Q1: What makes me feel sexy?
Before we talk about clothes, you need to be able to answer this question first: “What makes you feel sexy?”
On a recent instagram poll, I asked people this very thing. I loved all the diverse responses: “An outfit that fits well everywhere.” “Soft material.” “My hair or a good hair day. “Great underwear.” “Feeling good about my makeup.” “Clothes that hug my curves.” “Wearing something people can’t see like a bit of hidden sexy.” “Short skirts with tights and boots.” And “Just feeling good in what I’m wearing.”
See what I mean? Diverse! And also personal.
Now, if you’re struggling to think about what you would wear to feel hot like that, we have a little more work to do. Onto question two…
Q2: When was the last time I felt sexy?
Okay, so if your response to question one was, “Oh GOD, I don’t know…” sit with it for a bit. There’s no pressure to answer right this second. But, I am going to encourage you to think about a time when you felt sexy. What part or parts of your body were you showing off? How were you showing them off? Try to think about what you were wearing.
Did you feel sexy because another person made you feel that way? Maybe you were out and got a compliment that made you feel really good.
Whatever it was, we want to recreate that feeling, but we also want to be somewhat systematic about it. Because when we take the time to use the information that we already know, we’re much more strategic about how we shop, and what clothes we choose to put on our bodies.
Q3: What does my unique version of sexy look like?
Maybe the conventional interpretation of sexy is exactly what feels aligned. I define the conventional sexy (based on the culture and media highlighted in the US) as “the fewer clothes the better,” the curve hugging, body highlighting, lace trimmed, see-through, touchable fabric, that allows you to embrace your femininity.
But that interpretation isn’t for everyone, and that’s ok.
If you don’t feel sexy wearing clothes or lingerie that fit that description, don’t wear it! Trust me. If you wear it, and it’s not you, you’re going to feel awkward and uncomfortable. So will your partner. They might not really know why they feel uncomfortable, but your energy will mix with their energy, and it’s not going to end in the result you were hoping for.
Why is it important to know what your unique sexy looks and feels like? If you’re trying to force someone else’s definition of sexy on yourself, it’s like you’re showing up as a different person. Wearing something that isn’t aligned with you is like lying about yourself on a dating profile: You’re not going to attract the right partner if you’re not giving them the opportunity to learn and see the real you.
Remember, we’re asking ourselves the questions, what does sexy feel like? What have you worn in the past that made you feel sexy? What’s your favorite part of your body to highlight?
There are no wrong answers, so take the time to really think about it, or even journal about these questions, and see what comes up for you!
I want you to feel sexy whenever you want to! Remember that can mean having a good hair day, or wearing fun underwear. Things other people might not even notice.
Q4: Would I F* me?
No matter what you decide to wear, I encourage you to put on something that makes you feel sexy. Valentine’s Day suggests dressing sexy for your partner, but I want you to dress sexy for yourself. When you feel sexy, you carry yourself different.
Okay, allow me to be blunt: The vibe that you want to have when you feel sexy is “Hell yeah, I’d fuck me!”
It’s the same with confidence. When you are feelin’ yourself, when you know you look good, you strut. You own whatever room you walk into, or, you know you could own it if you flexed a little.
The messages we receive about sex appeal can be very conflicting with what actually resonates for us as individuals, and what makes us feel sexy. So it’s important to be able to answer the question: what does your version of sexy look like?
Pro-Stylist ‘Sexy’ Tip
Sexy can look like anything, because it’s about how you feel. But “anything” can feel daunting, so let me give you some inspiration. Dressing sexy can be broken down into different categories.
Femme: lingerie, lace, dress, heels
Menswear: blazer, suit, button down shirt (maybe with nothing else on),
Casual: t-shirts, athletic attire, underwear, a sports jersey
Fun: bathing suits, costumes, nothing
When you’re exploring these different categories to find out which resonate with you, start by choosing one category that feels exciting for you. Then try it on without an audience, so that you can feel comfortable making a decision about it without any additional outside pressure or opinions. Finally, decide if you’re going to ditch it or embrace it. Are you adding this to your sexy arsenal or moving on with your life to try something else?