The Art of Becoming
Photography by Lyndsey Yeomans
Interview by Jennifer Cooper
“I had been on this go go go path of work hard, play hard, entertain, be supermom—and I was masking many of my actual desires with drinking.”
Visitors to Mary Gaspar’s digital art gallery are greeted with a quote from Patti Smith: “We go through life. We shed our skins. We become ourselves.”
This not only sets the mood, it’s a way to understand Mary’s art. From her Plant Cell series, which caught the Property Brothers’ eyes, to her Falling Apart to Remember collection, Mary’s art reflects a wonder with the evolution of our inner and outer worlds. We go through life. We shed our skins. We become ourselves. And while this poem feels present in her work, it could also be the song of her sobriety.
It’s been four years since Mary gave up alcohol. And since then, Mary has become even more herself. In fact, it’s looking at sobriety through this lens, the Smith quote, that I wanted to learn about Mary’s experience. She shares why she went public with the decision, how the people around her took the news, and why she still loves catching a “drink” with someone.
You were public about giving up alcohol (I remember the IG post!). Why did you want to share that with your followers?
To help people. It was the people I followed who “came out” or people I stumbled upon whose story resonated that inspired me to change. It’s a whisper that keeps getting louder. I believe in karma and returning the cosmic love that was given to me. I will let myself be an example for good. Also accountability, being real, walking my talk.
Why did you decide to go dry?
I never had a great relationship with alcohol. I was a party girl, a proud drinker and I believed the lie that drinks made everything better, that alcohol made me more fun, sexier. I even told myself that it made me a better mom!
I struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety after the birth of my third daughter. I didn’t really understand what I was going through at the time and I wasn’t officially diagnosed until my baby was a year old. I was sleep deprived, anxious, overwhelmed, and depressed. After I stopped breastfeeding, I began self-medicating with alcohol again.
“My inner knowing knew alcohol did not serve me.”
Drinking began to take up more space in my head. I would look forward to going places because I thought, at least I can drink. It was affecting my marriage and relationships. It was a rather swift descent into shady and manic behavior. The combination of feeling worthless/suicidal, or even just an “I’m going to give up on life a little” attitude, mixed with a predisposition for alcohol abuse. Whew. I think that’s partly why the “pink cloud” period exists for so many after quitting. I was euphorically happy after making the decision to quit and for the first six months to a year after. Not everyone’s experience, I know.
I felt so damn lucky when I looked back, because I saw how close I came to destroying myself. I felt like I dodged the biggest bullet. I didn’t go through the pain of getting a DUI or experience hitting some massive public rock bottom. I experienced many small ones though, and my inner knowing knew alcohol did not serve me.
I should mention that the inner voice can start whispering years before you make the decision to stop. I feel like that voice just became louder and more frequent towards the end. I started Googling things like Am I an alcoholic? And because I didn’t check off every box I somehow justified that how I drank was healthy or necessary and I’d continue drinking until another blackout episode.
I started reading Annie Grace’s This Naked Mind and that really was the beginning of the end. That book fundamentally changed the way I thought about alcohol. It detailed the science behind what happens to your body and mind when you drink. It talked about the alcohol industry and marketing indoctrination and how society glamorizes drinking. I felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes and from that point on I couldn’t unsee what I saw, you know? I no longer saw drinking as desirable.
“The inner voice can start whispering years before you make the decision to stop.”
I started checking in with my body and realized that drinking actually made me feel like shit. And emotionally it was only a temporary escape from any problems that would still be there when I was sober. I started tracking my cycle better and recognized a pattern of over-drinking right before I got my period.
That book started my self awareness journey in which knocking out drinking was the first domino. Once it was removed from the equation, literally everything in my life got better.
What did you notice about yourself once you made that decision?
I felt lighter, relieved, grateful, euphoric. It was kinda crazy how happy I felt right away. I just knew that I would never drink again. I’m kinda extreme like that. Once I make a decision like that, that’s it.
I noticed I needed to do work on myself; gain some self-awareness, rediscover who I was. I had been on this go go go path of work hard, play hard, entertain, be supermom—and I was masking many of my actual desires with drinking. I learned that I am much more of an introvert than I thought I was; that I need alone time, like, for real for real; that sleep is paramount to my health and general well-being; and that endlessly serving people by having no real boundaries is a true recipe for burnout. I am still working on this.
“Endlessly serving people by having no real boundaries is a true recipe for burnout.”
What about the people around you? How did they take it?
I quit August 28th, 2017. That morning I woke up, turned to my husband in bed, smiled and said, “I’m done. I’m never drinking again.”
He cried.
He was the only person who knew ALL the struggles I had been through. He was the only person in my life who told me to stop drinking. He hated when I drank. It had become a chore for him to manage me. The anxiety came to a breaking point and our relationship around alcohol became really toxic. He quit drinking just a few months after me. I didn’t ask him to. He genuinely felt the positivity that was beaming off of me and wanted some of that.
As for others, I think some didn’t know how to react. Some were serious and quietly supportive and some were vocally happy for me. Some people seemed confused because they weren’t aware there was a problem.
I think when someone makes a definitive statement like, “I’m never going to drink again,” people struggle with the finality of it. What does that mean? And what if you’re wrong? I relate so much to those feelings because I was that way for years. I was fascinated by people who quit because I couldn’t fathom it. I was like, I would rather die than go dry.
Plus, I believe some people see it as an indictment of their own drinking. They immediately feel defensive. Or speechless. I think we, as a society, are finally starting to normalize not drinking and see beyond the black and white thinking of alcohol culture. You’re either an alcoholic or you’re fine. There are so many shades of gray. And drinking has been glamorized. At least, that’s what had me hooked. I romanticized swilling a glass of wine with being artsy and cultured. As it turns out, I actually am those things and I don’t need the wine to feel that way, just the fancy glass.
What’s been one of the easiest things about ditching alcohol?
I never question the decision. I had done the prep work to understand the science behind what I was doing to my body. I had armed myself with tools, resources, and boundaries that supported me in making my decision. The really hard part was the unlearning of alcohol indoctrination; the undoing of self-deception and self-harm.
So once I made the decision, everything felt easier and more fun! Because the waffling, indecisive, should I or shouldn’t I?, just two glasses tonight inner conversations that take up so much space in your head are gone. Poof!
It’s a relief I wasn’t prepared for and it was glorious. Everything begins to feel like you are a kid again. I think there are many reasons for this: You feel so lucky you escaped death, you actually experience stuff without alcohol clouding your experience, and you feel your emotions fully.
“The really hard part was the unlearning of alcohol indoctrination; the undoing of self-deception and self-harm.”
One of the challenges for lots of people is that alcohol has become tied with the ritual of gathering or celebrations. What are some of the ways you’ve found to connect with others beyond grabbing a drink?
Workout classes, walks in nature, doing “artsy” things, photoshoots, pulling tarot cards, watching movies, yoga, swimming, poetry reading, dancing, baseball games.
But I have to say, I still love going to meet someone for drinks ‘cause I love a good mocktail and we live in a really great time where alternative, alcohol-free drinks are trendy and becoming easier to get. I used to think, god, everyone drinks! And now I am seeing more and more people making the choice to quit. It’s a beautiful thing.