Breast Cancer Diaries (Reader Submission): Kathy
Illustration provided by Miss Monroe Studios. Visit her shop to purchase this and other digital downloads.
“My husband and I would occasionally talk about the tattoos I’d one day get on my breasts. “Maybe you should get eyeball tattoos!” he joked.”
Jen’s note: This story came from Kathy who served as an editor for our entire breast cancer series. I didn’t know when I reached out to her for help that this would be a series near and dear to her heart. I’m so happy to have her story here. It’s a good one!
I always felt a little grossed out by nipples. They change shape in unpredictable ways or at unfortunate times. While some people find nipples to be a major erogenous zone, my nipples were easily irritated and I got squeamish if they were fiddled with excessively.
All that being said, I was horrified when I was told I would lose my nipples to a bilateral mastectomy.
The options for replacing my nipples were surgical reconstruction or 3D tattoos. I rejected surgical reconstruction because I was told it gave you permanent “headlights”—I didn’t want perky fake nipples poking through blouses. I also wanted to avoid any more procedures. I’d had two surgeries, and I came away with frankenboobs that look good under clothing but lumpy and scarred when bared. I’d heard about a tattoo artist in Maryland who was a master at recreating the look of nipples, and I decided I’d go to him when I was fully healed and ready.
As I lived as a nippleless person, I’d occasionally look in the mirror, and it would be a freakish experience. I was satisfied with my reconstruction and very grateful about my diagnosis and ongoing treatment, but I thought, “If a stranger saw this, they’d be shocked. No nipples. Just two white lumps!”
My husband and I would occasionally talk about the tattoos I’d one day get on my breasts. Again and again, he’d joke, “Maybe you should get eyeball tattoos!” He thought this was a hilarious, crazy idea. If you think he was being unkind with this joke, let me stop you right there—this is the man who found the perfect balance of grieving the loss of my breasts with me and not caring one whit that I was a person with frankenboobs and no nipples; he’d bathed me for weeks after the surgery and provided all the help I needed; he’d been sweet and kind and kept me laughing throughout the whole experience. So, I had no problem putting up with his silly eyeball jokes.
But I did decide to pull a prank on him in response.
I was buying temporary tattoos as a gift for someone, and I searched for eyeballs. Sure enough, I found a pair of huge eyes, each about 2-1/2 inches wide. This would do.
I applied the tattoos one Sunday afternoon while my husband was watching football. I was shocked when I saw my breasts staring back at me in the mirror, one giant left eye and one giant right eye. It was hilarious and deeply unsettling at the same time.
I came out in my robe and asked my husband if I could show him something. He got that terrified look that husbands get during periods of health crises, and he hurriedly followed me.
Once in our bedroom, I turned around and dropped the robe. My husband’s eyes went wide, and he covered his mouth. “Oh my God—That’s scandalous!” he cried. He enjoyed the prank, and we added a photo of the eyeboobs to our collection of photos of my breasts’ transformation.
When I finally went to the tattoo artist, I was surprised at how healing it was to look in the mirror and see breasts with a marking that looked just like nipples. I felt whole for the first time in over two years. I cried tears of joy because I am a person with nipples again. And I never have to worry about having “headlights” or people flicking them—so there!