The Must Have Gift of the Season
by Tami Hackbarth
photo by Kevin Andre for Unsplash
Whenever I ask women what they want most the answer boils down to this: they want uninterrupted time to pursue their dreams, hobbies and talents. That and someone else to take over some of the domestic chores so no one would ever ask them what’s for dinner or where the damn soccer shin guards are hiding.
It is possible to have this kind of time to yourself, but it won’t happen by accident. This kind of time devoted to oneself requires clear communication, letting go of perfectionism, releasing the guilt and shame of wanting more, advocacy and boundaries.
What would you do with two to five hours a week of uninterrupted time for yourself?
The caveat is you can’t use this time to do stuff for your family, your partnership or your job. Pursuing a passion project/side hustle or hobby? That’s a big yes. Taking a shower, going to Target alone or catching up on The Housewives? Nope. Getting caught up on paperwork or housework? Absolutely not.
How do we get this mythical more time for ourselves?
Step one: Claim it
Sound familiar? If you feel like you are trying to earn straight As in selflessness every holiday season, you are in good company. As women, we are taught to sacrifice our own needs at the altar of service. As Americans, we are taught to “stay busy” at all costs.
However, if you stop and listen, the natural world is telling us another story. The days leading up to Winter Solstice invite us to go internal, to reflect. The quiet darkness lays itself down over our world, a shawl that can feel alternately comforting and nerve-wracking. “Not enough hours in the day. Too much night!,” we bawl. We are afraid of the dark. And the darkness outside welcomes us to look at those dark places on the inside, and who wants to do that? Not me, not us.
Step two: Define your interests
Being confined in those all consuming roles makes our brains forget who we once were or wanted to be. We need to head into the dusty archives of our lives outside those roles and reclaim what makes us interesting and inspiring to ourselves.
Still not sure what you’d do with all that time to yourself? Ask yourself these questions:
What goals, hobbies, talents and passions have you put aside since becoming a parent, partner and/or professional?
Do you want to learn to play golf or make sushi?
Have you wanted to visit libraries in other cities or write a cozy mystery?
Do you want to dust off your cello and play with a quartet during happy hour at that swanky bar downtown?
Do you want to learn how to juggle or swing on a traipse?
Do you want to write postcards to voters or textbank for your favorite candidate for public office or raise money for a cause close to your heart?
What makes you light up and get excited about life? What makes you fun to sit next to at a dinner party? What do you see other people doing that you wish you could do too?
Step three: Schedule it
Put it on the calendar. This is non negotiable time just for you. If you have a partner, ask them to also choose a weekly time slot for themselves. When everyone gets the gift of time for themselves everyone wins.
Step four: Share it
Most of us need accountability or people depending on us in order to show up. Join a class or a team that can’t function without you. Make a date with people outside your home to go someplace outside your home each week.
Sign up for that dance class. Commit to a writers workshop that meets weekly. Meet a friend at a park to write postcards to voters and enjoy nature.
Step five: Protect it
Expect guilt to seep in. Don’t let that stop you. We all deserve to be more than parents, partners and professionals. Make a non negotiable pact with a friend or partner that you will keep at it. Even if it is inconvenient for them. You being the most interesting version of yourself matters.
